‘Love bombing’ is a manipulation tactic used by abusers to overwhelm a partner with affection, charm, attention, compliments, and declarations of love to gain power and control over them. The behaviour is intense, excessive, and obsessive – they bombard their partner with messages, gifts, and promises, and seek commitment early in the relationship.
The abuser uses constant communication to create a sense of dependency and trust. Once they’ve gained their partner’s trust, they use emotional manipulation such as gaslighting, humiliation and insults to control what they do, who they see and how they act. This is followed by more gushes of affection, compliments, and gifts. The victim-survivor is left feeling confused, guilty, isolated, and powerless.
Laura* thought she’d met her perfect partner, until the mask slipped…
“The beginning of my relationship was amazing I was taken on dates, meals, flowers, talks of future planning, confidence boosting comments, messages. I felt like I had found the perfect man! I could not find fault in his emotional support, his attention, I was blown away by his enthusiasm and passion.
I was given two months of the man he wanted to be but then his mask slipped. He became argumentative, negative, abusive and make out any issues were my fault. Then it would be back to Mr Perfect. After this happening a few times, you don’t realise how you are being conditioned. You end up being so confused as you are being mentally manipulated, chasing the high of that intense love you were first cruelly offered and occasionally get fed to lure you in.”
Domestic abuse can take many forms including coercion, economic control, stalking, sexual assault, violence and threats, and can happen to anyone. At least 1 in every 12 women will be a victim of violence and abuse per year [1] and numbers are expected to be higher as many feel too ashamed or concerned about reporting their experiences.
Jo Baldwin, Children's and Young People's Service Manager, Oasis Domestic Abuse Service said:
“Abuse often follows a cycle: honeymoon where the victim-survivor will experience love bombing, tension building as the abuse starts and there is a growing sense of danger, followed by explosion, where the tension erupts and the perpetrator heightens the abuse, and this repeats again and again. The constant confusion makes it hard for victim-survivors to recognise that what they are experiencing is abuse. By being aware of the signs of love bombing, friends and family can be alert to red flags and support their loved one to find support. We are always here to help.”
Valentine’s is a good time to check if a relationship is healthy. Red flags to look at for are:
- Intensity - things get serious quickly, they want to see you all the time.
- Jealousy - they want to know where you are going and who with, they cut off your contact with friends, are paranoid, make accusations.
- Control - who you see, what you wear, they check your phone and internet history.
- Isolation - they prevent you from seeing friends or being social, block access to travel or your phone.
- Criticism - nit-picking, name-calling, cruel jokes, ridiculing your values or beliefs, make you feel worthless.
- Sabotage - Making things go wrong for you, picking fights, hide your things, turn up unexpectedly, spread lies.
- Blame - say things like “You made me....” or “If you hadn’t...”
- Anger - outbursts and fights, threaten and intimidate you
- History - past relationship breakdowns are always the other person’s fault.
“Many people may receive lots of romantic messages and gestures on Valentine’s Day but will nonetheless spend the day in fear...”
Roger Gough, Leader of Kent County Council and White Ribbon Ambassador said: “False and over exaggerated affection is a selfish tactic used to manipulate and coerce victims not to leave their abusive relationship which becomes more common at this time of year.
“Many people may receive lots of romantic messages and gestures on Valentine’s Day but will nonetheless spend the day in fear whilst still expected to be a loving partner and pacify their abuser.
“Anyone can be a victim of domestic abuse. We shouldn't assume there is a typical victim, but we can learn about the warning signs to help us identify abuse and provide support to protect sufferers. This is why it’s so important that all of us; family, friends and colleagues stay vigilant for and report any signs of abuse, particularly at this time of year.”
Vince Maple, Leader of Medway Council said:
“Abuse can take different and subtle forms, and this type of emotional manipulation can be just as damaging as physical abuse. As a proud White Ribbon Ambassador, it’s important we send out a strong message that any form of abuse, including this kind of psychologically damaging behaviour, is unacceptable. The more people who speak out about this type of behaviour, the more it will encourage victims to stand up against it and seek support, while potential offenders will be discouraged from acting in this way in the first place. If you need support, please remember that help is available.”
If you have concerns about your relationship or worried about someone, the Kent and Medway Domestic abuse Services offer a range of support including safety planning, refuge and counselling – you are not alone.
To access specialist Domestic Abuse support please call Victim Support 0808 168 9111 or visit www.domesticabuseservices.org.uk.
In an emergency, call the police on 999 (if you can’t speak, cough, or tap the handset then press 55 on your phone – the police will know it’s an emergency).
Anyone can use ‘Clare’s Law’ to check with the police if a current or former partner, or partner of a family member or friend, has been violent or abusive in a previous relationship. Contact Kent Police by calling 101 or visiting your local police station.
Kent residents and businesses can raise awareness of domestic abuse by taking part in the Know, See, Speak Out campaign. Visit www.domesticabuseservices.org.uk for details.
[1] National Police Chief’s Council VAWG report 2024: Call to action as VAWG epidemic deepens
*Not real name
As part of their ongoing commitment to tackle domestic abuse, Kent County Council and Medway Council are White Ribbon accredited organisations. More information on KCC’s work with White Ribbon can be found at White Ribbon – Kent County Council.
Since 2017, Kent County Council has worked with Partners to commission the Kent Integrated Domestic Abuse Contract (KIDAS) which provides help for survivors across both community and accommodation-based support and continues to work with partners to build, develop and maximise the support available to those experiencing abuse.
The integrated approach of KIDAS means victims can access support wherever they are in Kent and has ensured a consistent response for victims and survivors during the pandemic.
Medway Council commission Medway Domestic Abuse Services (MDAS) and a range of safe accommodation-based services for victims of domestic abuse across Medway.
A central non-emergencies helpline and 24/7 live chat for Kent & Medway is coordinated by Victim Support, with localised helplines delivered by Oasis Domestic Abuse Service (East Kent, Medway, North Kent), Look Ahead (West Kent) and Clarion Housing Group (North and South Kent). A dedicated website set up by Kent County Council, Medway Council and Kent Community Safety Team, with full information for safety planning and access to support can be found at www.domesticabuseservices.org.uk
Domestic abuse facts
- 2.4 million people in England and Wales experience domestic abuse every year (Office for National Statistics)
- 1 in 12 women will be a victim of violence against women and girls every year, at least (National Police Chiefs’ Council VAWG report 2024).
- 37% increase in violence against women and girls in the last five years (National Police Chiefs’ Council VAWG report 2024.
- At least 2 women a week are killed by a current or ex-partner (Office for National Statistics).
- 1 in 5 under 18s will have lived with domestic abuse at some point in their childhood (Radford et al, NSPCC report, 2018).
- 1 in 5 crimes (20%) in Kent and Medway were domestic abuse related in 2022/23 (ONS).
- Over 24,000 children in Kent & Medway live in a household where an adult is experiencing domestic abuse (Children’s Commissioner).
- Based on the prevalence of domestic abuse, as reported by the ONS Crime Survey for England & Wales in 2021/22 and applied to the 2021 Census, it’s estimated that in Kent (excluding Medway) around 280,000 adults (194,000 females and 86,000 males) have experienced domestic abuse since the age of 16 and around 61,000 experienced domestic abuse in the year 2021/22 (Kent Needs Assessment)
